[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
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god: “they should have complete control of their tongue”
angel: “um ok”
god: “let me finish.. except when using scissors”
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
dominos: thank you for calling dominos, pick up or delivery
stoner: wait, so like, i could’ve sworn you made pizza
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.