Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
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the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”