DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
So, can we agree on 4 or
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs