dog 911: what’s ur emergency?


dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.


I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.


And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:


me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?


Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?


*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*


Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]


A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?


*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”