@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

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@HatfieldAnne

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

@steeve_again

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

@daemonic3

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@birbigs

Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@WheelTod

[Hospital]

Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”

@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.