dog 911: what’s ur emergency?


dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.


[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate


50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.


Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…

Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.

*security drags me away*

Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!


Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


Why does Garfield hate Mondays? He doesn’t have a job.


Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids



Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition

*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”


Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.