DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Not today.. 😂
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?