DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
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My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
We decided to have money instead of children.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho