I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
Nothing confuses me more than an angry stoner.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting