@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

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@Smiilze

I hear you knocking at my door. You thinking I’m going to answer it is your second mistake.

@SoVeryBritish

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

@HatfieldAnne

Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.

@ClassicMegan

Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.

@pixelatedboat

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@Scott_A_Gilmore

I gave up and “folded” the fitted sheet into a rope so I could shimmy down from the 3rd floor to escape folding laundry.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting