dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*me flirting
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”