If at first you don’t succeed, you’re assembling furniture from IKEA.
Dog: am I a wolf?
God: no you’re a dog.
Dog: what’s the difference?
God: wolves live in a pack.
Dog: like a family?
God: ok yes.
Dog: I am a wolf!
God: but wolves howl at the moon.
God: you bark at appliances.
Dog: [offended] I do not!
God: [turns on vacuum].
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Manager: You’re fired.
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
How To Get Rich:
1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.
2. Empty it the next day.
3. Become a millionaire.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.