Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
I am crying
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.