@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

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@Dawn_M_

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

@squirrel74wkgn

Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…

@momthoughts13

How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.

@Marlebean

My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.

@jctwritesstuff

[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*

@AndyAsAdjective

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

@TheMichaelRock

Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.

@SteveDutzy

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!