[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.


Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…


How amazing is it when all your kids do what you’ve asked the first time?

No, I’m asking. How amazing is it? I’d like to know.


My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.


[First Date]

No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.

[Second Date]

*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*


the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on


Shout out to Debra on Facebook for saving lives by letting everyone know that the snow is slippery.


Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!