If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
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People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.
That explains why they date women
half their age.
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.