@brennadine

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

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@IamJackBoot

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

@AngelaEhh

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

@Duke1173

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

@ShortSleeveSuit

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

@meganamram

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

@Darlainky

Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket

@hippieswordfish

You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter

@SteveKoehler22

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.