[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

You Might Also Like


If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.


People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.


I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you


[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own


when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one


Take a selfie with me one last time

-the sign on my casket


You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter


Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.


The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.


I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.