Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators