Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
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Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Sponch
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
At least my masseuse has my back.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”