Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
You Might Also Like
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
These are my roll models.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens