What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
🙂🙃🥹
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist