Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
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Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
when u come home smelling like another dog
Goat cheese is for herders.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you