@KalvinMacleod

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

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@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@prufrockluvsong

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@DaHess1

The Les Miserables sequel is so much better. Hugh Jackman has knives in his hands and fights a bunch of ninjas and shit. No singing at all!!

@meganamram

Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies

@JessObsess

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

@albo_albert

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it