ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
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[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.