@CrockettForReal

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

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@markedly

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

@david8hughes

[knock at door]
Cop: open up, it’s the police
Me [doing an Estonian accent]: I’m not here
Cop: are you in Estonia?
Me: I am. I’m in Estonia

@mister_blank

odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.

sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?

odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.

sailor: oh ok wait what.

@Death_Buddy

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

@DanMentos

me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you

@Browtweaten

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

@inmybox07

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.