I only eat vegetarians.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening
Friends are like balloons; if you stab them, they die.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you