[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
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No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Thursday Thought.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Hank is one in a melon.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.