It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
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FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
She said she wanted to see other people
So I bought a disguise
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.