@stephenjmolloy

*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”

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@JackeeHarry

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

@TweetPotato314

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@shwebby3

She said she wanted to see other people

So I bought a disguise

@GingerHotDish

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.