[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Oh no
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.