@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

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@fro_vo

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

@hyperseas

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

@Lisabug74

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@ThisOneSayz

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

@samdunsiger

Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.