“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Go hard or stay average
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi