The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
*offers Batman cough drops*
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..
For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.