[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[dog dies in a movie]
[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
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If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.