[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

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“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…



Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.


“Cute cat, what’s it’s name?”

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won’t come

“Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l”



I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.


dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?


1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.


Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies

Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls

Date: Sounds good!

Me: The cowboy one is called Woody


You ever feel like just slapping your own face? No. Because you’re lazy, and I have to do everything for you.


My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.


[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]

Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.