[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
S O O N
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday