@_ElvishPresley_

[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*

[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier

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@TweetPotato314

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

@ElPasofist

The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.

@sucittaM

If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.

@AimeeHelene1

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@candace_9871

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@Playing_Dad

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.