Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.