The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos
hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here