Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.