@ThaJawn

Dog: I don’t get it

Me: What don’t you get?

Dog: Just go over it again

Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food

Dog: *tilts head* What?

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@realfunghi

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@BoogTweets

Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos

@hippieswordfish

hey, a mime!
*mime starts having heart attack*
hes pretending to die lol
*mime collapses*
*hours later still watching his body*
wow hes good

@callapilla

My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.

Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.

Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.

I’m going to need an ambulance.

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

@TheNardvark

The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.

@Cycloptomese

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

@CaseyMichelle__

Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here