I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
A classic…
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Breaking news:
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL