cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
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I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.