@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.

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@imadepoopstoday

I’ve learned that you can buy a kitten with no problem, but you have to come back at a different time to buy the juicer.

@alrightjam

Will you date me? breathe if yes, swim across the atlantic ocean while reciting the bible in japanese if no

@VisionBored1

I cleaned the whole house by myself and even though my husband said he’d help me vacuum he forgot and I didn’t remind him because I’ll need some ammunition next time we fight and I’m wrong

@pilau

Nelly: it’s getting hot in here

me: no it’s not

Nelly: [taking off all his clothes] it is

me: you have a fever

@SkippyMcGizzard

ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*

“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”

~ Karma Chameleon

@sageboggs

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

@markleggett

What if birds have tiny human-like ears underneath their feathers? That’s certainly something to think about, but not during sex.