Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.

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Dear Edward, maybe the reason you can’t read Bella’s mind is because there’s nothing in her head. Sincerely, Logic.


“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.


Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.


DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?


Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died


Statistics show that married men live a lot longer than single men. However married men are a lot more willing to die.


Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*


Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?