@wilw

Dog: I like pizza. Me: You’ve never had pizza. Dog: It’s food. Me: So? Dog: So I like it. Me: I’m not giving you my pizza.

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@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

@Dawn_M_

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

@xLiserx

Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.

@shkeeber

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

Unless you work in the alzheimer’s wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.

@WilliamAder

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@AndyRichter

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

@sixfootcandy

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

@MarfSalvador

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave