Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’ve read this at least 5 times and still don’t have a clue what’s going on 😂😭😭
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you