@drinksmcgee

Dog: I saw everything, Barbara. Everything!
Barbara: What are you going to do? Take me to court?
Dog:

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@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@AndrewNadeau0

Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story

@bea_ker

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

@animaldrumss

[ronald mcdonald in fake mustache sidles up to group of teens] mcdonalds sucks right guys? Let’s discuss ways they could improve their image

@CamGurrrl

my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear

@TheMichaelRock

You’ve made a powerful enemy, vending machine holding my candy bar hostage.

@SvnSxty

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out