@FredTaming

dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you

astronaut: space is a vacuum

dog: i’ll see you when you get back

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@batkaren

When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.

@kwirkyKerri

Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)

@SBinLondon

Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

@scottthetwat

The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.

@sixfootcandy

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

@__iCE_CREAM__

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

@Home_Halfway

ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha

SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.