When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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Of course I’m not leaving. I’m just going to step outside for a minute. (Runs to car)
Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”
The FBI agents that will eventually search your basement
won’t be able to sleep for a very long time.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha
SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious
Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.