dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.