dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Hello Twits.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.