Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.