Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
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I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Don’t talk down to me
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting