My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Dog *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Cat *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me *wincing*: thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
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Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
“I think we should spend some time apart”
“Ok that was enough time”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
How do I look?
I’m so excited!
*My pizza delivery guy.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.