Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
You Might Also Like
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection