DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
You Might Also Like
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Rooting for the overdog
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
It’s actually Dr. whatever
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!