dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Is your wife single?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
#CoronaOutbreak
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse