@GrantTanaka

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

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@JohnLyonTweets

“Found another body, sheriff. Just like the others, she didn’t forward the letter to 10 friends.”
-from The Texas Chain Letter Massacre

@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@famouscrab

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

@SardonicTart

*Wakes up*

“Wow I feel pretty good”

*Moves body*

“Maybe I spoke too soon”

@mommajessiec

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

@Kryzazy

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@IndecisiveJones

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come

other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore