dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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“Found another body, sheriff. Just like the others, she didn’t forward the letter to 10 friends.”
-from The Texas Chain Letter Massacre
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Wow I feel pretty good”
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore
I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.