dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

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[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field


32. Never married. No children. nnI’m the last single friend standing! I win!nn*This message brought to you by whiskey and self loathing.


A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.


My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.


Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk


[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?


If you’re appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.


Ladies, don’t date him just because his dad has a yacht.
Date the dad.


Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.


the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy