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“Found another body, sheriff. Just like the others, she didn’t forward the letter to 10 friends.”
-from The Texas Chain Letter Massacre

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?

Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”

me: all I know is that to me, you look like you’re having fun, open up your lovin’ arms, watch out here I come
other kids: ok no, you’re not allowed to play red rover anymore

I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.