dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
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current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no