Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
bro what is going on at twitter
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
A friend sent me this.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Weirdos gonna weird.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.