Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
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Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
Selfie
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Lmao the reply
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.