[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.