[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
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Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’