@PaperWash

[dog on trial for murder]

lawyer: who’s a good boy?

dog: I am

lawyer: your honor I rest my case

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@LeonardCowalski

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

@Bob_Janke

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

@EJT___

I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.

Quit 1/3 of the way through.

Ended up with a 2Pac.

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@EJT___

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

@liv_thatsme

Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@AndyAsAdjective

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

@rob5373

[Bags packed, leaving the ex]
Ex:”I hope you have a slow and painful death!”
Me:”So now you want me to stay?”