[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
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Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
english majors be like furthermore
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke