@rebrafsim: Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
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@bonehugsnirony: me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens me: i knew it
@gerryhallcomedy: My kids don't believe that before video games, we used to have to go out and buy a hedgehog, paint it blue, then give it cocaine.
@sixfootcandy: Me: Aww a valentine! Officer: It's a ticket. Me: A ticket to your heart. Officer: Ma'am, will you- Me: Yes! I'll marry you.
@Brianhopecomedy: *takes selfie, sends to wife* Wife: "No." *takes pants off* *tries on another pair in The Gap change room* *takes selfie, sends to wife*