Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
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It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid