@vanillavial

Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string

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@TheEllenShow

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

@SortaBad

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

@JCautomatic

*4yo comes in from garden with worm*

Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!

*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*

@theshantilly

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

@fightgeek

me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*

my mom: WHAT THE HELL!

@Darlainky

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

@AimeeHelene1

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

@NewDadNotes

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

@Dawn_M_

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.