I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
*4yo comes in from garden with worm*
Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!!
*4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.