Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
“OMGJK” -atheists
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
A short story of betrayal:
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks