[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
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Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?