[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.