[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

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Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*


[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait


[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?


Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.


Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.


Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually


[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children


Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.


[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am


8yo: can you tell me a story?

Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.

8yo: WHAT?!

Me: goodnight, buddy.