Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*
Go get it, boy!
*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
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Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
8yo: can you tell me a story?
Me: sure. Your mom and I get ice cream after you go to bed every night.
Me: goodnight, buddy.