@xLiserx

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

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@awkwardphilippe

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…

@Donna_McCoy

Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.

@2tickytacky

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

@julcasagrande

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

@ShootyDoody

Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!

@JerpsBerps

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

@rebrafsim

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem