Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

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*walks in*


*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry


Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?

Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.


All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…


Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.


Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”


I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions


Friend: I have bad knees.

Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!


I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.


Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem