Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.