Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
You Might Also Like
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Pringles
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.