WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
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That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
When someone uses the bathroom and asks about the wine cork floating in the toilet is why I don’t invite people to my house.
If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.