[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
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no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
A woman drives into a bar.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it