Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!