[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
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“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Skating is just walking in cursive.
I’m a virgin but I have sex sometimes
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.