@KivanBay

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

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@QwertyJones3

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

@ozzyunc

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

@Contwixt

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

@jonnysun

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill

@TheToddWilliams

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.