[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
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Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Finally, an instrument I can play!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Effort made
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Previously On Persistence 😎
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.