Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.

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ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?


*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.


I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.


“Pick a pencil. Look at it. Now put it back with the other pencils. Was your pencil the number 2?”-Steve, shitty pencil magician


[during sex]
elon: say the thing
grimes: ugh
elon: please?
grimes: *sigh* omg babe your submarine is waaaay too big for this tiny cave


A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.


[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears