*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
👾👾👾
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too