@TheAlexNevil

*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”

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@Kica333

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

@KeetPotato

wife: “he never reacts appropriately, just tell him”
doctor: “ok, keith we had to remove both your legs”
me: “where will i keep my car keys”

@3sunzzz

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

@Marlebean

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

@iamopeimu

My Ex works in a pharmacy,so whenever i want to spoil her mood I wil just go there and buy condom for no reason sometimes i go 3 times a day

@garrettbarry70

The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”