*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You Might Also Like
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Thoughts
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
*praying for world peace*
God:
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”