[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

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Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”


If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.


Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.


The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.


The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.


Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows


That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.


Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*


It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.