[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”