Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
“Is the Book Report any good?”
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I never point out when someone’s zipper is down. I just zip it up for them.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs