@OtherDanOBrien

[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”

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@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

@ravenswng_

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

@samalmightysam

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

@TheSweetestD_

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

@TheMichaelRock

The person who named Hors d’oeuvres should not be allowed to name anything else.

@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@FuckabillyRex

That feeling when you kinda wanna end it all but you’re already in bed and your hara kiri sword is all the way across the room.

@UnFitz

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

@notsoevilrick

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.